July 9, 2012
It had been a couple weeks. My feelings this time are a little different. I can’t quite figure out why, or even how, exactly. I almost let go enough to cry, and keep feeling like I still might. Has nothing to do with anything physical either. Not that the physical is all that comfortable, I say sitting at work right now.
A few days ago I was warned and asked to be nice, with a one stroke reminder. Then yesterday, at one point we were standing in the bedroom, I said something inappropriate and he just grabbed my arm, held me and used his hand about 5 times. I was wearing short, thin shorts. With that I managed to be good for a few hours. Something happened later though. He thinks I was “feeling neglected”. I was probably already going to get it. I had sent a text saying things I’m not supposed to say – because the words, he feels, are only to hurt him and aren’t true. He’s right. I know I’m not supposed to. I did it anyway as part of fit I was throwing myself. He responded, walked over to where I was and just stood over me, staring right into my eyes, with the look. Telling me it wasn’t ok. The short lecture should’ve stopped me.
It didn’t. not long later it I kept texting. He stopped responding, I went out to the kitchen and apparently stepped on his foot. “on purpose” he says. He might be right, but I would never admit that to him. Ok, I would. But not easily. He just looked at me, “get in the bedroom, NOW”, pulls me, guiding me into the room. Our daughter started calling for him, I tried to get him to stop by using that to my advantage – he called back over his shoulder “just wait a minute” to her. To me “I don’t care”.
There was a battle of wills getting me to cooperate, I stalled as long as I thought was safe then complied. He had Tillamook. I refused to answer him during when he asked if I was ready to behave yet. I didn’t say anything. He stopped. I turned over, refusing to respond to him. He walked over to the drawer and pulls out Cherish and says “maybe we need this one” . I start frantically shaking my head no, refusing to turn over. “Now.” “don’t make me come after you”.
He turned, I don’t know what he was going to do, but I immediately turned, but stayed at the top of the bed (out of his reach). This time was harder, as is Cherish’s way. He kept going. I answered, yes when he asked after a few minutes. He said I don’t believe you. More. He stopped, put it away, then added a couple with the hand. And He left. Left me there to “recover” so he could go deal with the child.
I felt bad. Like real remorse that I pushed him like that. I stayed away from him a few minutes. I went out another door. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I needed permission, given the circumstances, to sit with him. He was still acting slightly perturbed.
Finally I asked him, why are you still mad? “why were you being a brat?” “I’m NOT!” “no, not now, but you were. I said were”. “ I don’t know”.
Why did I say I don’t know. Why. I wish I could’ve been brave enough to just say that I needed it, and I felt bad for going about accomplishing that the way I did. It had been nearly two weeks, I start to fall apart after that long.
I love him so much. Maybe I should bring up maintenance. Nah. I don’t think that would work, he would forget and I’d end up acting out anyway.
Note that about 2 weeks ago, it was if we keep going you will not be able to sit down at work. I didn't care then either. But because of that, I made it two weeks. wasn't even late. AND I have resisted all urges to text this whole time too. I am trying to behave. Really. Maybe that's why I feel so bad this time. And I deserve the discomfort. I generally enjoy that when it happens, the constant reminder the next day. Yeah. that. we'll go with that.
It had been a couple weeks. My feelings this time are a little different. I can’t quite figure out why, or even how, exactly. I almost let go enough to cry, and keep feeling like I still might. Has nothing to do with anything physical either. Not that the physical is all that comfortable, I say sitting at work right now.
A few days ago I was warned and asked to be nice, with a one stroke reminder. Then yesterday, at one point we were standing in the bedroom, I said something inappropriate and he just grabbed my arm, held me and used his hand about 5 times. I was wearing short, thin shorts. With that I managed to be good for a few hours. Something happened later though. He thinks I was “feeling neglected”. I was probably already going to get it. I had sent a text saying things I’m not supposed to say – because the words, he feels, are only to hurt him and aren’t true. He’s right. I know I’m not supposed to. I did it anyway as part of fit I was throwing myself. He responded, walked over to where I was and just stood over me, staring right into my eyes, with the look. Telling me it wasn’t ok. The short lecture should’ve stopped me.
It didn’t. not long later it I kept texting. He stopped responding, I went out to the kitchen and apparently stepped on his foot. “on purpose” he says. He might be right, but I would never admit that to him. Ok, I would. But not easily. He just looked at me, “get in the bedroom, NOW”, pulls me, guiding me into the room. Our daughter started calling for him, I tried to get him to stop by using that to my advantage – he called back over his shoulder “just wait a minute” to her. To me “I don’t care”.
There was a battle of wills getting me to cooperate, I stalled as long as I thought was safe then complied. He had Tillamook. I refused to answer him during when he asked if I was ready to behave yet. I didn’t say anything. He stopped. I turned over, refusing to respond to him. He walked over to the drawer and pulls out Cherish and says “maybe we need this one” . I start frantically shaking my head no, refusing to turn over. “Now.” “don’t make me come after you”.
He turned, I don’t know what he was going to do, but I immediately turned, but stayed at the top of the bed (out of his reach). This time was harder, as is Cherish’s way. He kept going. I answered, yes when he asked after a few minutes. He said I don’t believe you. More. He stopped, put it away, then added a couple with the hand. And He left. Left me there to “recover” so he could go deal with the child.
I felt bad. Like real remorse that I pushed him like that. I stayed away from him a few minutes. I went out another door. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I needed permission, given the circumstances, to sit with him. He was still acting slightly perturbed.
Finally I asked him, why are you still mad? “why were you being a brat?” “I’m NOT!” “no, not now, but you were. I said were”. “ I don’t know”.
Why did I say I don’t know. Why. I wish I could’ve been brave enough to just say that I needed it, and I felt bad for going about accomplishing that the way I did. It had been nearly two weeks, I start to fall apart after that long.
I love him so much. Maybe I should bring up maintenance. Nah. I don’t think that would work, he would forget and I’d end up acting out anyway.
Note that about 2 weeks ago, it was if we keep going you will not be able to sit down at work. I didn't care then either. But because of that, I made it two weeks. wasn't even late. AND I have resisted all urges to text this whole time too. I am trying to behave. Really. Maybe that's why I feel so bad this time. And I deserve the discomfort. I generally enjoy that when it happens, the constant reminder the next day. Yeah. that. we'll go with that.
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