I tried to turn the clock so he wouldn't see how late I was as I told him goodbye. It didn't work. He may very well forget, but probably not and I feel uneasy and anxious.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Sundays
July 9, 2012
It had been a couple weeks. My feelings this time are a little different. I can’t quite figure out why, or even how, exactly. I almost let go enough to cry, and keep feeling like I still might. Has nothing to do with anything physical either. Not that the physical is all that comfortable, I say sitting at work right now.
A few days ago I was warned and asked to be nice, with a one stroke reminder. Then yesterday, at one point we were standing in the bedroom, I said something inappropriate and he just grabbed my arm, held me and used his hand about 5 times. I was wearing short, thin shorts. With that I managed to be good for a few hours. Something happened later though. He thinks I was “feeling neglected”. I was probably already going to get it. I had sent a text saying things I’m not supposed to say – because the words, he feels, are only to hurt him and aren’t true. He’s right. I know I’m not supposed to. I did it anyway as part of fit I was throwing myself. He responded, walked over to where I was and just stood over me, staring right into my eyes, with the look. Telling me it wasn’t ok. The short lecture should’ve stopped me.
It didn’t. not long later it I kept texting. He stopped responding, I went out to the kitchen and apparently stepped on his foot. “on purpose” he says. He might be right, but I would never admit that to him. Ok, I would. But not easily. He just looked at me, “get in the bedroom, NOW”, pulls me, guiding me into the room. Our daughter started calling for him, I tried to get him to stop by using that to my advantage – he called back over his shoulder “just wait a minute” to her. To me “I don’t care”.
There was a battle of wills getting me to cooperate, I stalled as long as I thought was safe then complied. He had Tillamook. I refused to answer him during when he asked if I was ready to behave yet. I didn’t say anything. He stopped. I turned over, refusing to respond to him. He walked over to the drawer and pulls out Cherish and says “maybe we need this one” . I start frantically shaking my head no, refusing to turn over. “Now.” “don’t make me come after you”.
He turned, I don’t know what he was going to do, but I immediately turned, but stayed at the top of the bed (out of his reach). This time was harder, as is Cherish’s way. He kept going. I answered, yes when he asked after a few minutes. He said I don’t believe you. More. He stopped, put it away, then added a couple with the hand. And He left. Left me there to “recover” so he could go deal with the child.
I felt bad. Like real remorse that I pushed him like that. I stayed away from him a few minutes. I went out another door. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I needed permission, given the circumstances, to sit with him. He was still acting slightly perturbed.
Finally I asked him, why are you still mad? “why were you being a brat?” “I’m NOT!” “no, not now, but you were. I said were”. “ I don’t know”.
Why did I say I don’t know. Why. I wish I could’ve been brave enough to just say that I needed it, and I felt bad for going about accomplishing that the way I did. It had been nearly two weeks, I start to fall apart after that long.
I love him so much. Maybe I should bring up maintenance. Nah. I don’t think that would work, he would forget and I’d end up acting out anyway.
Note that about 2 weeks ago, it was if we keep going you will not be able to sit down at work. I didn't care then either. But because of that, I made it two weeks. wasn't even late. AND I have resisted all urges to text this whole time too. I am trying to behave. Really. Maybe that's why I feel so bad this time. And I deserve the discomfort. I generally enjoy that when it happens, the constant reminder the next day. Yeah. that. we'll go with that.
It had been a couple weeks. My feelings this time are a little different. I can’t quite figure out why, or even how, exactly. I almost let go enough to cry, and keep feeling like I still might. Has nothing to do with anything physical either. Not that the physical is all that comfortable, I say sitting at work right now.
A few days ago I was warned and asked to be nice, with a one stroke reminder. Then yesterday, at one point we were standing in the bedroom, I said something inappropriate and he just grabbed my arm, held me and used his hand about 5 times. I was wearing short, thin shorts. With that I managed to be good for a few hours. Something happened later though. He thinks I was “feeling neglected”. I was probably already going to get it. I had sent a text saying things I’m not supposed to say – because the words, he feels, are only to hurt him and aren’t true. He’s right. I know I’m not supposed to. I did it anyway as part of fit I was throwing myself. He responded, walked over to where I was and just stood over me, staring right into my eyes, with the look. Telling me it wasn’t ok. The short lecture should’ve stopped me.
It didn’t. not long later it I kept texting. He stopped responding, I went out to the kitchen and apparently stepped on his foot. “on purpose” he says. He might be right, but I would never admit that to him. Ok, I would. But not easily. He just looked at me, “get in the bedroom, NOW”, pulls me, guiding me into the room. Our daughter started calling for him, I tried to get him to stop by using that to my advantage – he called back over his shoulder “just wait a minute” to her. To me “I don’t care”.
There was a battle of wills getting me to cooperate, I stalled as long as I thought was safe then complied. He had Tillamook. I refused to answer him during when he asked if I was ready to behave yet. I didn’t say anything. He stopped. I turned over, refusing to respond to him. He walked over to the drawer and pulls out Cherish and says “maybe we need this one” . I start frantically shaking my head no, refusing to turn over. “Now.” “don’t make me come after you”.
He turned, I don’t know what he was going to do, but I immediately turned, but stayed at the top of the bed (out of his reach). This time was harder, as is Cherish’s way. He kept going. I answered, yes when he asked after a few minutes. He said I don’t believe you. More. He stopped, put it away, then added a couple with the hand. And He left. Left me there to “recover” so he could go deal with the child.
I felt bad. Like real remorse that I pushed him like that. I stayed away from him a few minutes. I went out another door. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I needed permission, given the circumstances, to sit with him. He was still acting slightly perturbed.
Finally I asked him, why are you still mad? “why were you being a brat?” “I’m NOT!” “no, not now, but you were. I said were”. “ I don’t know”.
Why did I say I don’t know. Why. I wish I could’ve been brave enough to just say that I needed it, and I felt bad for going about accomplishing that the way I did. It had been nearly two weeks, I start to fall apart after that long.
I love him so much. Maybe I should bring up maintenance. Nah. I don’t think that would work, he would forget and I’d end up acting out anyway.
Note that about 2 weeks ago, it was if we keep going you will not be able to sit down at work. I didn't care then either. But because of that, I made it two weeks. wasn't even late. AND I have resisted all urges to text this whole time too. I am trying to behave. Really. Maybe that's why I feel so bad this time. And I deserve the discomfort. I generally enjoy that when it happens, the constant reminder the next day. Yeah. that. we'll go with that.
Texting.
June 20, 2012
“I have been slackin’. I need to do this EVERY time”
In my head, I’m thinking, you have? Cause I didn’t think so, I thought he had caught every time.
Yesterday was the lateness, due to hitting snooze too many times and the phone issue. Then, he called out the texting and driving issue. When I asked if I was in trouble, he said we’ll see how you progress. Then the swear happened and he said, yes now you so are.
Later, when I got up to go to bed, he followed me. I asked a question about what he was going to do (trying to get him to come with me), he said no but I can come ___.
“Did you think I forgot?”
“yes!”
“hahaha, sorry, no such luck”.
Then he put me to bed. I did sleep really well. I wish I could remember everything he had said, but I can’t recall everything. He seems to think its working.
Maybe he meant slacking with the texting and driving, he isn’t always consistent about that one. I didn’t want to ask.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Someday, I will write an actual Intro.
Because, this makes less sense without the background and details..
.
Really though, why is this so hard to talk about.
A week ago Sunday, he " put his foot down" and gave me the most real and justified, hard punishment, it actually deterred me from getting into more trouble later. It's been years since he left a bruise, to put it one way.
What ended up happening was miraculous.. I got up the nerve to tell him a thing I want (need) to be held accountable for. And it worked. Even though I was setting myself up to potentially never sit down again, I felt relieved. So a week went by without incident. Then this Monday happened, I broke my own rule. He actually remembered our deal, and is really really making effort to be consistent.
I don't want to be in trouble, but I feel so safe. I love this man. So. Freaking. Much.
Jaenlynn
.
Really though, why is this so hard to talk about.
A week ago Sunday, he " put his foot down" and gave me the most real and justified, hard punishment, it actually deterred me from getting into more trouble later. It's been years since he left a bruise, to put it one way.
What ended up happening was miraculous.. I got up the nerve to tell him a thing I want (need) to be held accountable for. And it worked. Even though I was setting myself up to potentially never sit down again, I felt relieved. So a week went by without incident. Then this Monday happened, I broke my own rule. He actually remembered our deal, and is really really making effort to be consistent.
I don't want to be in trouble, but I feel so safe. I love this man. So. Freaking. Much.
Jaenlynn
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Friday and Tuesday
Friday. Calm down. Obedience, respect. Tuesday. Brat. Mouth. Respect, and lack of obedience (hence mouth).
Now, I gotta try. It was a bunch of ridiculousness to have to remind and almost beg so as to stop the out of control emotions.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Transition
I'm finding the transfer from home, him, and real world really hard. This is weird for me.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Nothing compares to how happy he makes me
It had been a long few days.
Really, I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I was disappointed or something. Suddenly he is present, aware and actually focused on me. Holy holy, really?
He looks at me. His voice deep, authoritative and low; "Do you need your bottom warmed? If so, you know what to do. Do you need it? Do you? Is that why you are looking at me like that? Is it?"
Meanwhile, I'm only thinking that I do, but I can't. Wait, can I? I asked? He knows? He is recognizing the EXACT behavior I asked...
"You know what to do."
I shyly say, "Is that what you want?" As I'm going through the necessary motions.
"It's not about what I want baby."
I finally break.
He is exactly what I need right then. He does everything, astonishing and breathtaking... How does he know? I love that he knows. That he loves me...... So. Much. <3
Really, I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I was disappointed or something. Suddenly he is present, aware and actually focused on me. Holy holy, really?
He looks at me. His voice deep, authoritative and low; "Do you need your bottom warmed? If so, you know what to do. Do you need it? Do you? Is that why you are looking at me like that? Is it?"
Meanwhile, I'm only thinking that I do, but I can't. Wait, can I? I asked? He knows? He is recognizing the EXACT behavior I asked...
"You know what to do."
I shyly say, "Is that what you want?" As I'm going through the necessary motions.
"It's not about what I want baby."
I finally break.
He is exactly what I need right then. He does everything, astonishing and breathtaking... How does he know? I love that he knows. That he loves me...... So. Much. <3
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